Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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