We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
