So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
