rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
