i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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