I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
