just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
pop tarts are not kleenex
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
