My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
