1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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