I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
