i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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