My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
