She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
