My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
As shirtless as possible
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
