you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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