If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
