i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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