Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
