dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
