Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Every concussion has its silver lining
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
