my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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