Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
