its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
