he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
