I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
