I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
