he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
