I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
