I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
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