Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
