Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
