lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
