I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
