i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
