just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
