The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
