porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
