you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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