who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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