we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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