did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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