After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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