Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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