Pants 0. Shit 1.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Vodka?
Forever.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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