Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
we're making bets on your personal life
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
