sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
