You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I wish life had little blips of pornography
zippers are such a cool invention
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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