I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
