I met the friendliest cop last night
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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