smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
