Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
