well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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