I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
