sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
