Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
