Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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