I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
