I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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