watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
