life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
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I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
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why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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