I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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