Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
