Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
she told me i tasted like america
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
