I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
